When enough is enough.

But I want to be fixed; undo the lies and the deceit that was the foundation of our destructive and toxic relationship. Make me believe that it wasn't built on unrealistic and unfulfilled hopes and expectations, lies and deceit, excuses and the lack of love for another but too much self-love to the point of excessiveness on the part of one individual. Someone told me friends who really care would never tell me, "I told you so". If that much is true, I'll feel safer moving out of my shell and forward.

"To Love; may we stay away from it when it's no good for us."

- Simone from Heroes

Alone again, naturally.

"Why now? After all the deliberate hurting and the pain you tried to cause, there remains nothing but emptiness. You see the void there? It's empty. Emptiness is a lack of, emptiness is when you're missing something."

***

You're right, absolutely right. There is nothing left, but isn't that good? Cos I heard that that's the only thing that lasts forever. You did this, you took everything and threw it right out the window. This is not real love; love does not entail hurting someone. Love is all about acceptance, about embracing the good with the bad, and not losing 'it' when a bump occurs. It's about getting back on your feet when the bubble you were in burst, about going on in life whilst acknowledging another's mistake(s) and your own. And then being gracious enough to let it pass. That's true love for someone else. Scorn and bitterness cheapens love, and they are the two things that cause you to lose yourself; you forget who you were, you forget who you loved, and then you make the person you loved forget who you are and why they loved you in the first place. You brought on my Amnesia. I have nothing but disappointment, but I can't seem to remember how or when I started feeling this way. All I know is that this void is nagging, as you slowly fade away from my failing memory.

A bruised ego sure can wreck some serious havoc, and I need some time to recover. But why do you care? You never did, anyway. And you know what? Since you've 'washed your hands and feet clean', keep it that way. Don't soil them ever again. Not here, anyway.


Do you have to let it linger?

figure.09.

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say
I put all pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize instead of setting it free
I, took what I hated and made it a part of me

(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)

(And now)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be right here)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be my fear)
(I can't separate)
(Myself from what I've done)
(Giving up a part of me)
(I've let myself become you)

Hearing your name the memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I see you in every thought I had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away
I was committing myself to them and everyday
I regret saying those things cuz now I see that I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me

Right now, linkin' park is me.


I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate, to say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright. So I'm breaking the habit, tonight.

I don't like this me.

The current me is detestable, for I am developing a real bad habit in the midst of doing a lot of analysis and graphing (I have done at least 10 graphs thus far. More to come!). This is the me who has a lot of work to catch up on; I had to slack my Public Holiday away, I had to. Huff*

"You won't know the facts until you've seen the fiction."

"Girls like me don't make invitations like this to just anyone!"

Caught up with Harvard over lunch, and intitial plans to watch The Number 23 were scrapped because the box office wasn't open when we got there, and then we got lazy. Of course I won't discount the fact that because Harv is a media graduate who favours arthouse over commercial films, his reluctance to watch Carrey's new flick got to me a bit. His recommendations of several non-mainstream movies (which I personally have heard to be really good) faltered my decision of having to watch a relaxing commercial movie a bit, and I gave in; we headed back to his, only to pick Pulp Fiction out of a range of others like The Matrix (yawns?), Schindler's List, Wong Kar-Wai's works, etc (all part of The List, see below).

"Yeah, well the days of me forgetting are over, and the days of me remembering have just begun."

- Pumpkin in PF.

I couldn't have said it better myself, and I will now live by that quote (if I manage to remember not to forget, of course).

By the time I got home in the evening, I did relatively plenty of work, and then tried to watch this:

"Ever wanted to be someone else?
Now you can."

Being John Malkovich is basically about the idea of being inside someone else's skin, seeing what they see, and feeling what they feel. I'm actually only halfway through this movie, but already I am sufficiently intrigued by Jonze's techniques and allthatjazz. I guess this is worth a watch;

(I found the following out after spending some time at Metropolis Bookstore yesterday afternoon; a very interesting place itself)

both BJM and Pulp Fiction are included in 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die.

(I don't know how much you can trust this list though, considering some 'errr' movies [read: 'Titanic'] are in the 1001 too!)

In any case, my journey to cover these 1001 begins...

And yes, Hello Bali. :)

This cigarette it could seduce, an entire nation with its smoke.

//edit: Sometimes.
Why is it that sometimes, your actions betray your words? What are you trying to hide? I wonder. Sometimes.