When enough is enough.

But I want to be fixed; undo the lies and the deceit that was the foundation of our destructive and toxic relationship. Make me believe that it wasn't built on unrealistic and unfulfilled hopes and expectations, lies and deceit, excuses and the lack of love for another but too much self-love to the point of excessiveness on the part of one individual. Someone told me friends who really care would never tell me, "I told you so". If that much is true, I'll feel safer moving out of my shell and forward.

"To Love; may we stay away from it when it's no good for us."

- Simone from Heroes

Accidents do happen/ my greatest fear.

Everything.
Everything came to a halt yesterday, as my world came crashing down.
(Sure, an inner look at my psyche..isn't that what you want? Keep reading then.)
I never thought Anyone to be capable of such insensitivity but apparently it is possible.
Sure, maybe I was still hanging on to some hope,
but that much is lost too;
you've proven yourself unworthy of my Hope, Time, and more.
What little Trust I had left in you has expired.
But it doesn't really matter because in the end,
I know it's nothing but time and a face that I've lost.
And nothing else.
No, no memories.
Don't worry.
You have proven yourself unworthy of petty allowances.
That only thing I have that really reminds me of you and the past 6 months will not be kept,
and I hope that if you even have any respect or regard for our ex-relationship,
you will stop wearing it too.
It's disgusting how you told me that was the only thing that kept you going.
I think I am going to gag.
What is that again?
Stop talking; your lies are making my ears bleed.
I know why you didn't call -
because you ran out of excuses.
Oh. And I can already picture you saying, "It's over. Why do I have to explain myself to you?"
That's just who you are - selfish, and irresponsible.
I wished you showed a little more tact.
It's not even been a month.
In fact, I wish a lot of things.
I wish I didn't repress myself to make you happy, really.
Why couldn't I cut my hair short, if I wanted to?
Why do I have to grow my fringe out, because you wanted it so?
Why do I have to be the one waiting at home whilst you party it up?
Why the hell did I have to reduce myself, so that I could make you feel better?
I shouldn't be sorry for the life I have. It's great. I have friends who love me, and family that (albeit mostly absent,) care. (At the risk of sounding pompous) I get almost whatever I want..I have the chance to study abroad. I get to go travelling if I like. I get freedom. I get a whole apartment by myself in the city because that's how I want it. And most of all, I get to go drink and party to my heart's content because I don't HAVE TO PLEASE YOU ANYMORE. To my friends I ever neglected because I was so focused in trying to fix an ultimately broken relationship, I am sorry. I will make it up to you somehow..the Ena you know and love is back! :)


P.S. You being ever so concerned with your (public) image in front of my friends..it really is ironic that I didn't have to do or say anything for them to have an altered opinion of you. You are your own destructor.

04:30.

This night, I went to bed in the tshirt you left behind.
Right before I fell into slumber, I thought about the way your hair smells like after you fix it, the way you used to stare at me, your sleepy eyes in the morning, the way my fingers fit snug in your large overworked smoke-stained hands, your obsessive coke-for-water habit, our firstkiss, our first fight, followed by all our petty quarrels, and then of our entire dysfunctional relationship.
And then I stopped, remembering what you said and how my heart dropped at that moment; "memories don't mean a thing".
And although accompanied by some fallen tears, a faint smile carefully broke; I am sentimental like that.
Then I heard,

tung tung -

the sound of emptiness

(and the pet name of one).

What a lie, you and I.

You packed your last two bags,
A taxi's round the bend.
You used to laugh out loud,
But you can't remember when.
You lost your lies.
It's like your moving out of time,
And the whole world
crumbles right beneath you.

So, I might've made a few mistakes,
But that was back when you would smile,
And we would go everywhere,
But we ain't been there for a while.
And this I know,
There's a place that we can go -
A place where I can finally let you know.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me, we got this great thing.
We're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon.

I hope you find
whatever you've been lookin' for.
Just remember where you're from
and who you are,
'Cause there's a thousand lights
that'll make you feel brand new,
But if you ever lose your way,
I'll leave one on for you.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me, we got this great thing.
So, come back and you sit down. Relax.
Everything's to see
that you've come a long, long way,
And it's the place that you should be.

Another Chance (All Over Again).

Over the weekend...

No one seemed too surprised that me and J broke up; it is almost as though they were just waiting for that day. Although, however, I am surprised that Mom turned out to be the one with the biggest reaction (despite her slight disapproval initially). She went, "Huh?? Why? [...] How?" This is in direct contrast to the, "Oh, ok" (add shrug, or not) I got from the few who knew even. Thanks for the concern a special few have shown, I was definitely surprised at my own handling of the very tough situation. I held up fine for a couple of days, and then, well, me and J have decided to give us another shot; partly because we still want to (try to) be together, and partly because I decided that this might be a good chance for me to learn how to trust another. And then I realised - all the negativity, hate, and anger can in fact be curled into one big happy thought, that maybe it is possible for someone else to actually care. Also, if I (as a student of psychology) cannot learn to form functional relationships despite everything I know, what hope is there left for the world then?

So now, off I go.
Wish me luck.