Accidents do happen/ my greatest fear.

Everything.
Everything came to a halt yesterday, as my world came crashing down.
(Sure, an inner look at my psyche..isn't that what you want? Keep reading then.)
I never thought Anyone to be capable of such insensitivity but apparently it is possible.
Sure, maybe I was still hanging on to some hope,
but that much is lost too;
you've proven yourself unworthy of my Hope, Time, and more.
What little Trust I had left in you has expired.
But it doesn't really matter because in the end,
I know it's nothing but time and a face that I've lost.
And nothing else.
No, no memories.
Don't worry.
You have proven yourself unworthy of petty allowances.
That only thing I have that really reminds me of you and the past 6 months will not be kept,
and I hope that if you even have any respect or regard for our ex-relationship,
you will stop wearing it too.
It's disgusting how you told me that was the only thing that kept you going.
I think I am going to gag.
What is that again?
Stop talking; your lies are making my ears bleed.
I know why you didn't call -
because you ran out of excuses.
Oh. And I can already picture you saying, "It's over. Why do I have to explain myself to you?"
That's just who you are - selfish, and irresponsible.
I wished you showed a little more tact.
It's not even been a month.
In fact, I wish a lot of things.
I wish I didn't repress myself to make you happy, really.
Why couldn't I cut my hair short, if I wanted to?
Why do I have to grow my fringe out, because you wanted it so?
Why do I have to be the one waiting at home whilst you party it up?
Why the hell did I have to reduce myself, so that I could make you feel better?
I shouldn't be sorry for the life I have. It's great. I have friends who love me, and family that (albeit mostly absent,) care. (At the risk of sounding pompous) I get almost whatever I want..I have the chance to study abroad. I get to go travelling if I like. I get freedom. I get a whole apartment by myself in the city because that's how I want it. And most of all, I get to go drink and party to my heart's content because I don't HAVE TO PLEASE YOU ANYMORE. To my friends I ever neglected because I was so focused in trying to fix an ultimately broken relationship, I am sorry. I will make it up to you somehow..the Ena you know and love is back! :)


P.S. You being ever so concerned with your (public) image in front of my friends..it really is ironic that I didn't have to do or say anything for them to have an altered opinion of you. You are your own destructor.

Don't say you love me, I don't believe it.

If its right,
If its wrong,
Would someone let me know?
It's the game,
I can't play,
Do I just let you go?
Maybe it's just the way it is
cos I get the feeling, that you know it's over.

Don't say you love me,
I don't believe it.
Don't say the words,
If you don't mean it.
Don't want to hear it
Out in the open,
Keep it inside,
If you don't mean it.

Think of thou, I shalt not.
Slave of my passion, no longer.
The shackles that held me down are now broken,
Motion in a line and only a line;
raging fires shall now cease to burn,
your cold indifference the Flame's extinguisher.
Rest now, weary Heart,
you have taken more than you can bear.

Are thou a Lover in conceit?

"...liking, falls widely short of love. Love, is what we can neither resist, expel, nor even alleviate, if we should ever so vigorously attempt it... Liking is a flashy flame, which is to be kept alive only by ease and delight. Love, needs not this fewel to maintain its fire, it survives in absence, and disappointments, it endures, unchilled, the wintry blasts of cold indifference and neglect, and continues its blaze, even in a storm fo hatred and ingratitude, and reason, pride or a just sensibility of conscious worth, in vain oppose it."

- Love in Excess, Eliza Haywood

Since everyone often wonder what constitutes love and what it is that makes us love despite circumstances, I thought I'ld share a quote I find to be almost adequate of love's nature.

Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

Grant my last request and just let me hold you,
don't shrug your shoulders.
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere
But one last time let's go there
Lay down beside me.

figure.09.

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say
I put all pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize instead of setting it free
I, took what I hated and made it a part of me

(Never goes away)
(Never goes away)

(And now)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be right here)
(You've become a part of me)
(You'll always be my fear)
(I can't separate)
(Myself from what I've done)
(Giving up a part of me)
(I've let myself become you)

Hearing your name the memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I see you in every thought I had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away
I was committing myself to them and everyday
I regret saying those things cuz now I see that I
Took what I hated and made it a part of me

Right now, linkin' park is me.


I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate, to say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright. So I'm breaking the habit, tonight.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Do you remember the exact moment you lost it?

I do.

And I also remember the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the betrayal and the anger I felt.

You promised.

(Promises are meant to be broken, sure.)

But I already told you - you can't help it if you hurt someone.

So no promises. At least it'll hurt less.

And that's also why I never get too involved; it hurts too much.

I'ld say I love you,

(but fearfully).