Accidents do happen/ my greatest fear.

Everything.
Everything came to a halt yesterday, as my world came crashing down.
(Sure, an inner look at my psyche..isn't that what you want? Keep reading then.)
I never thought Anyone to be capable of such insensitivity but apparently it is possible.
Sure, maybe I was still hanging on to some hope,
but that much is lost too;
you've proven yourself unworthy of my Hope, Time, and more.
What little Trust I had left in you has expired.
But it doesn't really matter because in the end,
I know it's nothing but time and a face that I've lost.
And nothing else.
No, no memories.
Don't worry.
You have proven yourself unworthy of petty allowances.
That only thing I have that really reminds me of you and the past 6 months will not be kept,
and I hope that if you even have any respect or regard for our ex-relationship,
you will stop wearing it too.
It's disgusting how you told me that was the only thing that kept you going.
I think I am going to gag.
What is that again?
Stop talking; your lies are making my ears bleed.
I know why you didn't call -
because you ran out of excuses.
Oh. And I can already picture you saying, "It's over. Why do I have to explain myself to you?"
That's just who you are - selfish, and irresponsible.
I wished you showed a little more tact.
It's not even been a month.
In fact, I wish a lot of things.
I wish I didn't repress myself to make you happy, really.
Why couldn't I cut my hair short, if I wanted to?
Why do I have to grow my fringe out, because you wanted it so?
Why do I have to be the one waiting at home whilst you party it up?
Why the hell did I have to reduce myself, so that I could make you feel better?
I shouldn't be sorry for the life I have. It's great. I have friends who love me, and family that (albeit mostly absent,) care. (At the risk of sounding pompous) I get almost whatever I want..I have the chance to study abroad. I get to go travelling if I like. I get freedom. I get a whole apartment by myself in the city because that's how I want it. And most of all, I get to go drink and party to my heart's content because I don't HAVE TO PLEASE YOU ANYMORE. To my friends I ever neglected because I was so focused in trying to fix an ultimately broken relationship, I am sorry. I will make it up to you somehow..the Ena you know and love is back! :)


P.S. You being ever so concerned with your (public) image in front of my friends..it really is ironic that I didn't have to do or say anything for them to have an altered opinion of you. You are your own destructor.

04:30.

This night, I went to bed in the tshirt you left behind.
Right before I fell into slumber, I thought about the way your hair smells like after you fix it, the way you used to stare at me, your sleepy eyes in the morning, the way my fingers fit snug in your large overworked smoke-stained hands, your obsessive coke-for-water habit, our firstkiss, our first fight, followed by all our petty quarrels, and then of our entire dysfunctional relationship.
And then I stopped, remembering what you said and how my heart dropped at that moment; "memories don't mean a thing".
And although accompanied by some fallen tears, a faint smile carefully broke; I am sentimental like that.
Then I heard,

tung tung -

the sound of emptiness

(and the pet name of one).

Are thou a Lover in conceit?

"...liking, falls widely short of love. Love, is what we can neither resist, expel, nor even alleviate, if we should ever so vigorously attempt it... Liking is a flashy flame, which is to be kept alive only by ease and delight. Love, needs not this fewel to maintain its fire, it survives in absence, and disappointments, it endures, unchilled, the wintry blasts of cold indifference and neglect, and continues its blaze, even in a storm fo hatred and ingratitude, and reason, pride or a just sensibility of conscious worth, in vain oppose it."

- Love in Excess, Eliza Haywood

Since everyone often wonder what constitutes love and what it is that makes us love despite circumstances, I thought I'ld share a quote I find to be almost adequate of love's nature.

Strangely familiar.

I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play.
But I can't control your soul,
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay.

Staying positive.

I just wasted half an hour on facebook playing the iLike challenge - that shit is so addictive argh! And in my attempt to beat my challenger, I went overboard and upgraded myself to a Music Expert spank you very much. Okayy now doom. Sleep first study tomorrow morning or study now (and cram the already full head) and wake up later tomorrow? Gah. Choices.


I don't know how you do it.. what kind of magic is this?
Because I sure as hell feel so much better and I know I "can do it". Because you said so. :)

What a lie, you and I.

You packed your last two bags,
A taxi's round the bend.
You used to laugh out loud,
But you can't remember when.
You lost your lies.
It's like your moving out of time,
And the whole world
crumbles right beneath you.

So, I might've made a few mistakes,
But that was back when you would smile,
And we would go everywhere,
But we ain't been there for a while.
And this I know,
There's a place that we can go -
A place where I can finally let you know.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me, we got this great thing.
We're the only one's that around,
We're the only one's that around this Babylon.

I hope you find
whatever you've been lookin' for.
Just remember where you're from
and who you are,
'Cause there's a thousand lights
that'll make you feel brand new,
But if you ever lose your way,
I'll leave one on for you.

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately.
You and me, we got this great thing.
So, come back and you sit down. Relax.
Everything's to see
that you've come a long, long way,
And it's the place that you should be.

Alone again, naturally.

"Why now? After all the deliberate hurting and the pain you tried to cause, there remains nothing but emptiness. You see the void there? It's empty. Emptiness is a lack of, emptiness is when you're missing something."

***

You're right, absolutely right. There is nothing left, but isn't that good? Cos I heard that that's the only thing that lasts forever. You did this, you took everything and threw it right out the window. This is not real love; love does not entail hurting someone. Love is all about acceptance, about embracing the good with the bad, and not losing 'it' when a bump occurs. It's about getting back on your feet when the bubble you were in burst, about going on in life whilst acknowledging another's mistake(s) and your own. And then being gracious enough to let it pass. That's true love for someone else. Scorn and bitterness cheapens love, and they are the two things that cause you to lose yourself; you forget who you were, you forget who you loved, and then you make the person you loved forget who you are and why they loved you in the first place. You brought on my Amnesia. I have nothing but disappointment, but I can't seem to remember how or when I started feeling this way. All I know is that this void is nagging, as you slowly fade away from my failing memory.

A bruised ego sure can wreck some serious havoc, and I need some time to recover. But why do you care? You never did, anyway. And you know what? Since you've 'washed your hands and feet clean', keep it that way. Don't soil them ever again. Not here, anyway.


Do you have to let it linger?

Another Chance (All Over Again).

Over the weekend...

No one seemed too surprised that me and J broke up; it is almost as though they were just waiting for that day. Although, however, I am surprised that Mom turned out to be the one with the biggest reaction (despite her slight disapproval initially). She went, "Huh?? Why? [...] How?" This is in direct contrast to the, "Oh, ok" (add shrug, or not) I got from the few who knew even. Thanks for the concern a special few have shown, I was definitely surprised at my own handling of the very tough situation. I held up fine for a couple of days, and then, well, me and J have decided to give us another shot; partly because we still want to (try to) be together, and partly because I decided that this might be a good chance for me to learn how to trust another. And then I realised - all the negativity, hate, and anger can in fact be curled into one big happy thought, that maybe it is possible for someone else to actually care. Also, if I (as a student of psychology) cannot learn to form functional relationships despite everything I know, what hope is there left for the world then?

So now, off I go.
Wish me luck.

I want my own puppy too!

Isn't she the sweetest?? Ollie's such a darling, I swear! Don't have a picture of Maya cos she's too atas and fridgety. But that didn't stop her from planting kisses and licking my hands when I was just sitting there. Such darlings! I want a Maltese too!! They are literally like (human) babies..Maya loves to be held like a baby, and she just rested her head on my shoulder whilst I carried her around heh heh. Ollie just stuck close whilst I was flipping through gossip mags. Gahhhhh!!!! I want!


And tonight, everything will be alright...

//edit.
If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, Now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

(I wanna get away, to our sweet escape)

You let me down
I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around let's look for some common ground

So baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
By the way the you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me

Happy Mommy's Day!

A very happy mommy's day to my mommy and all the mommys in the world! This is my mommy displaying the only thing she has passed down to me - her compulsive shopping habits!! :P

Sometimes...

Spiderman 3 was such a kick-ass movie; despite many complaining about its length (nearly 2 and a half hours), I actually really enjoyed it! Loads of CG effects and it's all about the spectacle yada yada but I was completely immersed in the moment Peter Parker becomes this 'suave' (-wannabe) guy and walks down the street. I know many have not caught this yet, so I'll leave it at that before I launch into revealing plot details!! Poor Spidey though - he has so many villians to fight in this one. Must be tiring!!

Red is the new Black. Wait. Or is Black the new Red?

Wiggy kept going, "Spiderman in black - so sexy!!!"

Harry so sexy!! But outside Spiderman, he is such a mess.

Topher Grace from That 70's Show! He is forever dorky Eric to me! He is not evil!! Nooooo!!

Daai Cheung Foo (Men Suddenly in Black) is this extremely funny movie, introduced to me by Harv. It messes with generic conventions, and uses cross-generic elements in what's essentially a comedy. It's not exactly a spoof, but not a very serious movie with its own narrative either. In any case - highly recommended!


Collateral is so boring. I have it turned on in the background, just so there's activity in the apartment. I'm in my study typing this whilst Tom Cruise is shooting someone behind this wall. Yawns. Spare me, really.

It started like any other night. Ya, sure. Except this movie came along and put me straight to sleep.

And sometimes, you've got to go there to come back.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Do you remember the exact moment you lost it?

I do.

And I also remember the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the betrayal and the anger I felt.

You promised.

(Promises are meant to be broken, sure.)

But I already told you - you can't help it if you hurt someone.

So no promises. At least it'll hurt less.

And that's also why I never get too involved; it hurts too much.

I'ld say I love you,

(but fearfully).