I don't need a trophy, a less ostentatious medal honours me just as much.
So you wanna know what really happened?
I've been revisiting the past recently; more specifically, since my return to Melbourne. I thought that once I left S'pore, everything or everywhere would stop reminding me of him, and all that we had and lost. The pain of remembering how happy we once were, and how we would never be that way ever again. The pain was/ is overwhelming. I know a lot of people put a big question mark on my previous relationship, about what transpired between the two of us, and how I could possibly let someone (or anyone) treat me the way he did. Don't wonder - I myself still have no clue how I put up, or how I could love a guy so cruel and damaging to my self-esteem. Fortunately for me, there is only so much one can take; he snapped (yet again) at me in the nick of time. Sometime around early Jan, with no explanation whatsoever, he just didn't call or text me for an entire week. After I went crazy from thinking about what I had done wrong, I called him and the phone rang for the longest time - I knew he was hesitating to pick up my call. When he did, he sounded pissed off, as if I had done something wrong and should've called earlier to apologize. Hopeless. It was only when I told him I got heartburn for the past few days, did his voice soften and was he willing to 'sort things out'.
This person, someone I would have done so much (more) for, hurt me so much more than I could ever imagine. This person, is the same person who said I was 'clingy' when all I wanted to do was to be there for him. He called me 'unreasonable' when I mentioned that he wasn't spending time with me like, at all. He said I was 'immature' and it was something he knew because (he) has been there, done that, and was "like that before too". He called me a bunch of other things, but most damaging was when he came up with this - "You're always this spoilt! You always want your way. No wonder all your relationships last less than 3 months!" Excuse me? a) Since when have I insisted on my way? In our relationship, I've always (this is not a groundless assertion) given in to him and all his whims; b) All my relationships happen to last less than 3 months because I am honestly, a commitment-phobe. I'm not proud of that, because it makes me seem like an undesirable person who cannot maintain simple human-human relationships. Of course I've always wondered what it is like to be in a long-term stable relationship, but I guess I've been single for so long that I am unwilling to experiment with real relationships - what if instead of 'completing' my life it messes it up? (As with this previous one.) So anyways, he suggested (yet another) timeout, and I admit that I didn't think much of it, since we were always splitting and then coming back together again (cleverly noted by friends). What can I say? I was weak, and a fool for him. Often, we split after a fight (which sometimes got quite personal). I would then call someone, and brawl my eyes out, bitching about the things he did or said, and I thought that I was a real bitch for doing that, because "if I liked him I wouldn't have done that". Thus, I questioned myself a LOT and I begun to realize that I could only bitch about him because he presented me with the opportunity to - if he wasn't like what I said he was, then I would never have had a chance to observe or realize that that was who he is. He snapped at me for 'involving' others, and made me feel so bad for complaining about the things he did or didn't do, although it is only now that I realize that he got so mad purely because the self-absorbed person that he was couldn't stand people judging him, and not because he "really wanted us to work our issues out between ourselves".
So many eyes on him, all the time (or so he'll have me believe). He never really forgave me for screwing up; I still maintain that everyone in that major drama had a part to play - everyone abused another's trust, and I can't believe he put it all on me. This is too unfair. Why is it even surprising if I chose to side someone I've known for years? Besides, he was judging way too much. But anyways, after that one incident, like dominos we all fell apart. And because great effort is required to restore it to its former glory, we never made it because great effort is what was lacking on both our parts. The Other was also too consumed by his need and desire for something, something that tore us apart. Something that was a force to be reckoned with, so time-consuming and powerful that it took away his ability to do other things, like love another, for instance. I am not being bitter when I say that he was simply too self-absorbed and conscious to even be able to love me - it is the truth. And because I understand how he simply couldn't fit me into his overcrowded life, I have learnt better to deal. I've been reading this book, "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken", and it has def helped me cope better, and I'm moving on so much faster than I was pre-ICABuBIB. There was/ is no point in holding on to the
toxic mess that was our relationship, one full of hurt, pain, tears, contradictions and outside intervention. As mentioned in ICABuBIB, "Staying in a relationship on life support doesn't mean you can bring it back to life", and once you 'breakup', the cracks appear and evidently, at least one of you doesn't want to try to fix the broken rela any longer. I couldn't agree more. Anyone trying to move on from a broken relationship, do check this book out. It has worked for friends, and it is working for me.
My previous relationship was too unhealthy, and it's a pity but I guess, too often we let our pasts overshadow us, and we become too afraid to even try. But now I have someone who's patiently seeing me through the healing process, and everyday I feel like I'm being unfair to him, because he shouldn't have to see me react in irrational ways because of another guy. He is too generous - I would go absolutely nuts if I had to see the guy I'm in love with struggle to get over someone. Here is someone who cares enough not to walk away from me despite everything he knows. I've broken his heart one too many times in an attempt to make him stay away, to make sure I don't get into an 'accidental relationship', to make sure, it's not purely rebound, and I'm so scared it is. But he's still here, hanging around. Don't you see? I don't want you to hurt even more at the end, if this is not going to work out. I love you for being so patient and caring, but I'm afraid that I might be loving you for all the wrong reasons. You still have time, to get out of this. You just let me know, okay? I really, really, care for you and I don't want you to regret any of this or get hurt at the end of everything. What I do want, however (if you do decide to still stick around), is for myself to have faith, so that down the road I can safely say,
"At least I tried."
I've been revisiting the past recently; more specifically, since my return to Melbourne. I thought that once I left S'pore, everything or everywhere would stop reminding me of him, and all that we had and lost. The pain of remembering how happy we once were, and how we would never be that way ever again. The pain was/ is overwhelming. I know a lot of people put a big question mark on my previous relationship, about what transpired between the two of us, and how I could possibly let someone (or anyone) treat me the way he did. Don't wonder - I myself still have no clue how I put up, or how I could love a guy so cruel and damaging to my self-esteem. Fortunately for me, there is only so much one can take; he snapped (yet again) at me in the nick of time. Sometime around early Jan, with no explanation whatsoever, he just didn't call or text me for an entire week. After I went crazy from thinking about what I had done wrong, I called him and the phone rang for the longest time - I knew he was hesitating to pick up my call. When he did, he sounded pissed off, as if I had done something wrong and should've called earlier to apologize. Hopeless. It was only when I told him I got heartburn for the past few days, did his voice soften and was he willing to 'sort things out'.
This person, someone I would have done so much (more) for, hurt me so much more than I could ever imagine. This person, is the same person who said I was 'clingy' when all I wanted to do was to be there for him. He called me 'unreasonable' when I mentioned that he wasn't spending time with me like, at all. He said I was 'immature' and it was something he knew because (he) has been there, done that, and was "like that before too". He called me a bunch of other things, but most damaging was when he came up with this - "You're always this spoilt! You always want your way. No wonder all your relationships last less than 3 months!" Excuse me? a) Since when have I insisted on my way? In our relationship, I've always (this is not a groundless assertion) given in to him and all his whims; b) All my relationships happen to last less than 3 months because I am honestly, a commitment-phobe. I'm not proud of that, because it makes me seem like an undesirable person who cannot maintain simple human-human relationships. Of course I've always wondered what it is like to be in a long-term stable relationship, but I guess I've been single for so long that I am unwilling to experiment with real relationships - what if instead of 'completing' my life it messes it up? (As with this previous one.) So anyways, he suggested (yet another) timeout, and I admit that I didn't think much of it, since we were always splitting and then coming back together again (cleverly noted by friends). What can I say? I was weak, and a fool for him. Often, we split after a fight (which sometimes got quite personal). I would then call someone, and brawl my eyes out, bitching about the things he did or said, and I thought that I was a real bitch for doing that, because "if I liked him I wouldn't have done that". Thus, I questioned myself a LOT and I begun to realize that I could only bitch about him because he presented me with the opportunity to - if he wasn't like what I said he was, then I would never have had a chance to observe or realize that that was who he is. He snapped at me for 'involving' others, and made me feel so bad for complaining about the things he did or didn't do, although it is only now that I realize that he got so mad purely because the self-absorbed person that he was couldn't stand people judging him, and not because he "really wanted us to work our issues out between ourselves".
So many eyes on him, all the time (or so he'll have me believe). He never really forgave me for screwing up; I still maintain that everyone in that major drama had a part to play - everyone abused another's trust, and I can't believe he put it all on me. This is too unfair. Why is it even surprising if I chose to side someone I've known for years? Besides, he was judging way too much. But anyways, after that one incident, like dominos we all fell apart. And because great effort is required to restore it to its former glory, we never made it because great effort is what was lacking on both our parts. The Other was also too consumed by his need and desire for something, something that tore us apart. Something that was a force to be reckoned with, so time-consuming and powerful that it took away his ability to do other things, like love another, for instance. I am not being bitter when I say that he was simply too self-absorbed and conscious to even be able to love me - it is the truth. And because I understand how he simply couldn't fit me into his overcrowded life, I have learnt better to deal. I've been reading this book, "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken", and it has def helped me cope better, and I'm moving on so much faster than I was pre-ICABuBIB. There was/ is no point in holding on to the
toxic mess that was our relationship, one full of hurt, pain, tears, contradictions and outside intervention. As mentioned in ICABuBIB, "Staying in a relationship on life support doesn't mean you can bring it back to life", and once you 'breakup', the cracks appear and evidently, at least one of you doesn't want to try to fix the broken rela any longer. I couldn't agree more. Anyone trying to move on from a broken relationship, do check this book out. It has worked for friends, and it is working for me.
My previous relationship was too unhealthy, and it's a pity but I guess, too often we let our pasts overshadow us, and we become too afraid to even try. But now I have someone who's patiently seeing me through the healing process, and everyday I feel like I'm being unfair to him, because he shouldn't have to see me react in irrational ways because of another guy. He is too generous - I would go absolutely nuts if I had to see the guy I'm in love with struggle to get over someone. Here is someone who cares enough not to walk away from me despite everything he knows. I've broken his heart one too many times in an attempt to make him stay away, to make sure I don't get into an 'accidental relationship', to make sure, it's not purely rebound, and I'm so scared it is. But he's still here, hanging around. Don't you see? I don't want you to hurt even more at the end, if this is not going to work out. I love you for being so patient and caring, but I'm afraid that I might be loving you for all the wrong reasons. You still have time, to get out of this. You just let me know, okay? I really, really, care for you and I don't want you to regret any of this or get hurt at the end of everything. What I do want, however (if you do decide to still stick around), is for myself to have faith, so that down the road I can safely say,
"At least I tried."
Posted By Me at
2:34 PM
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